Fear of Drowning
by Keiishi-san
Summary: Nakago's thoughts after he learns Soi has witnessed his moment with Yui.


Author's Notes: Nakago is one of the hardest characters to capture well. I love the man, but I've never tried to write a decent fic from his POV. He is hard to capture, with his true feelings hidden under layers of denial. He distances himself from his emotions and as good as he is at seeing through others he is not very aware of his own feelings. These elements of Nakago's character make him a challenge to the writer. 

This fic is a companion piece for my Soi POV, 'Blades', and deals with Nakago's thoughts after he kisses Yui somewhere around episode 42. I am not that satisfied with my work here, and chances are I'll go over this again after I've had some time to distance myself from my work in order to be able to criticise it. Nakago is a pain to write.   


**Fear of Drowning**   


Yui leaves soon enough. 

I hold her for a few moments, but it does not take long before she steps back, making excuses and returning to her room. I wonder briefly whether what I did will turn out for the best. It seems she was not entirely comfortable with kissing me. Yui may view me as her only loyal supporter, but deep down inside she still holds on to some manner of adolescent infatuation for Tamahome. That is not acceptable. The way matters are moving forward I may not have time to turn her heart fully from Tamahome to me before time comes to summon Seiryuu. 

I decide it does not matter. I have been her closest confidant, her protector, the one person who has stood by her. She will give me my wish, even without feelings of love to guide her in that direction. 

Love. My lips curve slightly, hinting at a smile. I have had no better weapon to use against the Suzaku seishi than that. One of them has already died out of love to protect his Miko; the rest shall soon follow. They are surely even greater fools than I had thought if they cannot see that their virtues will bring them to ruin. Loyalty has led them to my traps. Love has cost them the life of one friend, and he was but the beginning. 

Watching Suzaku's warriors destroy themselves has served as further confirmation of the justification of my beliefs. When I see their weaknesses I know what I must avoid. Every successful strike against them serves as a declaration of the superiority of my way of life. 

Everything is going according to my plan. Yui is tied more tightly to me than ever. When time comes she will give me my wish. I can find no explanation for the growing sense of discomfort in the back of my head. 

I move forward slowly, stopping at the door. I can still feel faint traces of the chi of a seishi here. I do not know how long she stood here, but I do not doubt she stayed long enough to witness me and Yui. 

Soi. 

She may feel offended. Though she knows I feel nothing for her she has at least been in the most prominent position when it comes to the women in my life. Who else has there been? None that mattered. Others may have shared my bed, but only she has shared my plans and battles. 

Perhaps Soi believes our Miko will take her valued place as my confidant. If so she is a fool I would not have taken her for. What does the Miko know of me, of my fights, of my desires? Yui places her trust in a charade carefully formed to support my ambitions. Soi has been with me long enough to know me for what I am. 

She has no reason to be upset, yet I cannot escape the notion she may well be. I do not see the reason. Soi should know Yui cannot match her talents; she is merely a little girl who happened to catch a god's interest. 

Why should she be upset? 

_…"Nakago-sama, I see you are weary. Let me offer you what I can, so that you may punish the rebels tomorrow in a way they will not forget."_

_"Very well." …a deep breath, her lips parting, she closes her eyes for a moment. she walks to me, trembling ever so slightly. when I touch her she nearly blushes, though she is far from a virgin…_

_…"Nakago-sama, let me," her fingers still lingering on his cheek. " let me." a gasp, as her fingers now tangle in his hair, she then lets go with a startling quickness at odds with her slow pace before. she trembles again, is she frightened? "Nakago-sama…" he reaches out to touch her and those beautiful eyes now look at him. not frightened, he cannot name the emotion, but he is gripped by a nameless fear that a mirror would show him the same look in his own blue eyes._

_"Heal me. " she obeys, but he is troubled even as his wounds close, troubled because whenever she hesitates he feels as though he were drowning and this will continue until the water closes over him, unless he puts into words what is screaming inside him, desperate for release. she moves faster then, and the water flows back into the ocean, and he can breathe again because he has escaped the water and what it would have forced him to reveal…_

I stumble and lean against the wall. Memories disturb me; there is seldom anything good in them. For a few moments I was drowning again, and Soi stood and watched it with the Miko. When Yui faded away Soi was still there, and I could see two images of her. A proud, grim warrior in her armour and a young woman with her long hair loose, smiling with devotion and fierce satisfaction before the light left her eyes. 

Soi. 

I shiver. Why would I see myself as the bringer of her death? I would not risk her, for she has been most valuable to me in my battles. She has been… 

For a long time after, I do not move.   



End file.
